Image by mojzagrebinfo on Pixabay
Brushing her teeth at night, Fran stares into the mirror.
“When did my face get so freakin’ fat?”
“What is wrong with me? Everytime I start a diet, I have high hopes and within a few days (max) my will-power is gone and I’m sucking down an entire plate of pasta or carton of ice cream.”
“I thought for sure Atkins would work since I got to eat bacon….but noooooo….just like with all the other one’s I’ve tried, I cave. I’m so weak, it’s ridiculous.”
“Don’s right. I don’t look as good as I used to. And I have no self-control!”
“I hate the way I look. Why on earth would he still want me?!”
She looked down at herself, dressed for bed in her baggy sweats; turned out the light so she wouldn’t feel the weight of Don’s disappointed look; jumped into bed turned away from him on her side and tried desparately to fall asleep.
To say that Fran was frustrated with herself when she came in to the office would be an understatement.
It took courage to seek help but I was so glad she did. She was caught up in an emotional eating spin cycle! Eat to feel better > feel bad because you ‘gave in’ and ate the bad food > eat to feel better…repeat.
Just as we talked about in Emotional Eating 101, our first goal was for Fran to track her food in the dreaded food journal.
“What do you mean I have to write down everything I eat and when and where I eat it. I’ll be writing all the time! Isn’t this just going to make me feel worse?”
After a few frustrated, haphazard attempts, Fran was able to track her eating for a couple weeks. Together we explored what she had learned.
“I never really realized how often and how much I eat after Don goes up to bed. I eat anything and everything then! I make decent choices and eat appropriate portions at meals throughout the day. You would think if I have self-control then, that I could manage to get through the night without pigging out! But no. What’s wrong with me?”
Once we had figured out a time/place pattern, we set about trying to discover the emotional pattern (See Emotional Eating 201). Because when we are emotionally eating, the food numbs the feelings, it can take awhile to figure out what you’re feeling. Fran was eventually able to identify first that she would eat more when she was alone. She would make healthy choices at breakfast and dinner with Don and with colleagues at work; but when Don went to bed….it was a different story.
“What do you mean, how do I feel when he goes to bed? I feel thrilled that I finally get to watch what I want to watch! I guess I kind of feel good…relieved to not have him looking at me with that disgusted look he has as he goes upstairs to bed…that look that says how did I end up married to…this…”
Fran’s voice cracked and her eyes welled up.
Fran felt ashamed and rejected. So she ate…alone. The food would numb the pain of rejection…at least for a little while.
As we continued to talk, over time, we came to realize that this pattern was something that began when Fran was a young teen. Her father left her mother…and effectively left her too. After he moved out, he really wasn’t interested in seeing her any more.
“He got married really quick and got a whole new family. He didn’t want mom or me anymore. As I got older I kind of understood the whole divorce thing…some marriages just don’t seem to work…but I never really understood what I had done to make him not want me.”
Fran’s love-hate relationship with food began then. Food was yummy. It made her ‘feel better’ (rather it numbed the pain) during a particularly hurtful time. Dad was gone and mom was struggling with her own stuff. Ben and Jerry provided comfort during a time when, sadly, no one else did. (And did we say it was yummy?!)
In addition to gaining a deeper understanding of Fran’s emotional eating, we also talk about practical strategies for starting to create a healthy relationship with food. The plan was perhaps counterintuitive. It started with having Fran eat whatever she wanted whenever she wanted throughout the day rather than denying herself through the day…without thinking about what would make her husband happy.
“WAIT, you want me to WHAT? Won’t I get even fatter?!”
There is a method to this seeming madness! This will make Fran focus on herself and what she wants rather than the potential disapproval by her husband. It is a step towards self-care and assertiveness. Self-care and assertiveness pre-suppose that Fran has value whether or not her husband sees it.
“I’ve tried this and it’s just not working! I mean I guess I’m eating a little less at night but I still eating. I’m more aware that I’m doing it and why but am frustrated that I can’t stop. It’s almost like I’m sabotaging myself…but why would I do that?!?”
Sabotage is sneaky. It happens subconsciously when there is a secondary gain involved in not changing. Huh? What gain?! We started to explore, how Fran’s weight served a purpose for her.
“What if I lose the weight and Don still doesn’t want me?”
Fran’s weight served as protection. As long as her husband was rejecting her because of her weight, he wasn’t rejecting HER.
Of course, Fran’s journey doesn’t end here. In some ways, it’s just beginning. This was just a consolidated version of what would take many counseling sessions so that you can understand how deep emotional eating food issues can go and how the things we talked about in the last three posts, Emotional Eating 101, 201, and 301 might look in “real” life.
Please note that Fran is a totally fictional person made up based on many, many people who have come in for help. If you can relate to any of Fran’s story or recognize any of your own struggle in these last several posts and would like some help finding your own freedom, give us a call. We’d love to help!
Take care of you…
