Elvis really knew what he was talking about when he sang, “Ill have a blue Christmas without you…Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree, won’t be the same if you’re not here with me.” While we are guessing the writers of this song were talking about an absent love-interest, it seems incredibly on point when we have lost someone (anyone) we care about…be that through a break-up, estrangement, moving away or death.
No matter how many holly branches you throw at them or lights you hang on them, holidays are just not the same when you’ve lost someone you’ve cared for. There is something about the expectation of joy that makes the reality of grief particularly poignant and the heartache feel deeper. Every tradition is a fresh reminder of their absence; every cheerful holiday song an exquisitely haunting expression of what once was.
It is painful to be in this spot; and painful to pretend not to be. It’s tempting to avoid the holidays all together. It’s also tempting to avoid the pain, put on a happy holiday smile and jump into everything the season has to offer. Neither of these is likely to be helpful. Coping lies somewhere in the middle.
So, it’s okay to feel. Allow yourself to feel – sadness, anger; perhaps even bittersweet joy. Allow yourself to grieve. The truth is it’s okay not to be happy. In fact, the more you fight the sadness or anger, the more pronounced it tends to be. When you feel what you have to feel about your loss, it can allow some of the joy of today seep through. So allow yourself to smile or laugh should something be fun or funny. That’s okay too.
And it’s okay to need. Surround yourself with those who love and support you. Share your memories.
It’s okay to do less. Try not to ‘cancel’ the holidays altogether, because isolating can make things worse; but it’s okay to cut back on festivities that you feel you aren’t ready for.
And it’s okay to do more. Sometimes making new traditions can help us acknowledge that just because things are different now, doesn’t mean they have to be terrible. Plan a get together with friends. Go walk Longwood and see the lights. “Adopt” a family or child for Christmas. Getting out of our own heads can be helpful.
It’s okay to pray. If spirituality is important to you (as it is to us), drawing close to God is comforting during this time as well. If you are not a spiritual person, take time to just be still and clear your mind.
It’s more than okay to rest. At it’s best, the holiday season is stressful and exhausting. And grieving takes more out of us than we realize. Listen to what your heart and body are telling you… rest if you need to.
Basically, it’s okay to take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Try to eat fairly healthy with but have a cookie or two; and a couple drinks are not taboo. But resist the urge to medicate with food or alcohol. They don’t really help and in many ways can actually make things worse. Get plenty of rest. Feel what you’re feeling. (It can be helpful to journal.) Do some enjoyable things but also take some time out from the holiday frenzy. Have a cup of tea and watch a good movie. It’s okay.
Take care of you…
