Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash
Last week, we got to have dinner with Pleaser Priscilla, her older sister, Passive aggressive Polly, and her husband Peacekeeping Paul, their younger sister, Entitled Emily, and her husband, Monopolizer Marvin, their mother, Critical Christine, Aunt Attention-seeking Anne and her husband Manipulative Mark. Were you laughing when you read it? Did you see yourself or anyone in your family in these roles? Or maybe you identified some new or different roles of your own?
We can hear you now, “Great Michelle and Pam…thank you for identifying the crazy in my family! Now what?!”
While each family is unique, there are some general guidelines that help you navigate any stressful family dynamics:
∗ Realize what’s going on. You’ve heard the saying, “You can’t see the forest for the trees?” Family dynamics are a little like that. When we’re in the middle of them, our buttons are getting pushed and all we know is that we are mad, sad, guilty, upset…. or all of the above. We need to be able to take a step back in order to see the bigger picture and patterns before we are able to determine how to or how not to respond.
∗ Reconcile your expectations with reality. Once we have a better understanding of what’s going on, we can better manage our expectations. When our expectations are firmly grounded in reality, a couple things can happen. When we can see the dynamic for what it is, rather than a bunch of chaotic, frustrating acting out, we can emotionally detach from it. When we let go of needing things to be or go a certain way, only then can we deal with what is and determine what we can do to make our time more enjoyable.
∗ Remember, you don’t have to play your role. For that matter, consider this your permission slip not to. We need to recognize our own limitations – both physical and emotional. We need to value ourselves and our needs as much as we value others’. This may require new assertiveness skills and/or setting
appropriate boundaries. We need to understand that these steps to taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally are not selfish but actually healthy and necessary.
∗ Ready yourself. It is helpful to mentally prepare. We can envision the family time and plan the way we want to respond. This mental preparation helps us with remaining emotionally detached when our buttons get pushed.
∗ Rest. Seriously! These things are exhausting so take time after to rest and recover! Be kind to yourself.
These concepts won’t magically “fix” the situation, you, or your family. (Sorry!) They are just some generalized strategies that can give us a framework for how to handle our specific situation. Counseling can help us take a look at our individual situation, step back and see the bigger picture and patterns that are operating within our families. It can also help us determine how to best respond and take care of ourselves in each situation. If you can relate to any or all of this; maybe this year is the year that you give yourself the gift of counseling.
Take care of you…
