One of my (Michelle) favorite things to do during the holiday season is to enjoy a cup of tea while watching a Christmas movie. These days, we can binge watch them on the Hallmark channel; but my favorites are the classics like “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “White Christmas.” When life is stressful and hard, it’s nice to sit and watch situations/stories that you know work out! Not only do things work out…but they do so in 2 hours flat. They have those great “happy endings” that we all know and love. Arguments are resolved; families are happy; and couples are in love.
What’s not to love about a good happy ending?
Nothing, really. We’re kind of hard-wired to want them.
Unless or until the line between entertainment and real life gets blurred. We can hear your response, “Wait, what? Of course I don’t think it’s real!” Except that unfortunately we can inadvertently develop holiday expectations that are rooted in idealism and perfectionism rather than reality. THIS will be the year that I get all the shopping done before Thanksgiving. THIS will be the year that I clean the entire house top to bottom before putting up the decorations…the day after Thanksgiving. THIS will be the year that Aunt Sally doesn’t actually complain about the gift I buy her. THIS will be the year that Uncle Fred stays sober for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. THIS will be the year that everyone gets along.
And the sneaky part about expectations is that we usually don’t even know that we have them until they aren’t met… and we’re left feeling angry, frustrated, disappointed and resentful.
So how on earth do we get rid of them?! Does this mean we shouldn’t watch those fun movies? Not at all.
It does mean that we need to ask ourselves some questions. When I think about my own holiday plans, is there something in my reality that I’m avoiding or wish was different. When I picture my holiday, do I wistfully picture it how it “should be” rather than how it is? Wishing and idealizing aren’t all bad; but they have the potential to to keep us focused on the “what could be/should be” instead of “what is.”
Dealing with “what is” is about relinquishing expectations around things we can’t control and embracing those that we can. It is about recognizing and accepting our own limitations (whether we like it or not, we have limited resources – physical/emotional energy, time, and or money). It is also about recognizing and accepting the limitations of others and setting boundaries when necessary.
We hear you again, “Ok that sounds great. Practically speaking, what on earth does that look like?”
Of course, the specific answers to that vary based on your individual situation. I (Pam) think that you start with identifying YOUR priorities and the things that YOU enjoy and then deciding how you would like to reflect those things in your holiday plans; instead of relying on others to meet your expectations. Design your own expectations and then plan how to accomplish them.
For example, let’s say that having a holiday meal with family is important to you, but you get frustrated because no one wants to chip in and help. We need to start by recognizing and accepting that perhaps the meal isn’t as important to your family or maybe they are just so used to you stepping up that they unwittingly take advantage of it. Either way, acknowledge that you are disappointed that they don’t see things the way you would like them to. Then decide what you are willing to do given that the meal is important to you. Some possible solutions could be:
- Ask for help (rather than wait for it to be offered). “Aunt Martha, can you make the sweet potatoes this year?” or “Let’s do pot luck this year!”
- Order a prepared meal. Maybe you are exhausted and need to recognize your own limitations this year. If finances are limited, request that others chip in.
- Find a different family! Yikes, sounds harsh, right? But what if you try plan a or b and ask for help and you are dismissed or you end up feeling backed in a corner? (This might sound like…”Oh I’m sorry, we don’t have time/money to help you with dinner but we sure are looking forward to it. ) Rather than going ahead and doing the whole thing yourself and resenting it, you might need to set a boundary. “Oh I’m sorry, I guess we’re all tired and trying to save money this year, so let’s just plan on next year.” Then go find some friends who are fun and interested in spending time together…and willing to chip in.
Yes others might be surprised, disappointed, frustrated, etc. That doesn’t make the change wrong.
Finally, maybe, just maybe, we can remember that the movies we watch or the pictures we see have a team of writers, designers, cleaning crew etc. Those teams work for hours and hours (and hours) to get to the point of the 1 picture…or the two-hour movie that we watch. Maybe, just maybe, we can embrace our imperfect, less than ideal selves, families, and situations. Surprisingly, when we can surrender what shoulda/woulda/coulda been, we can often enjoy what we actually have right in front of us!
Take care of you….
